Parenting in a terrifying world
It’s 5am. I’m awake. Everyone else is sound asleep. I can hear the children’s sleep noises. I know which is Lil H and Diva G. They are safe.
My mind is full of the unsafe though. On Monday I fly with my godmother & my children’s 8yo cousin to Cala D’Or in Majorca, we will have a fantastic week, a beautiful villa with a beautiful pool, with temperatures in the lower thirties. So why the lying awake since 3:30am?
I’m solo abroad with my two most precious people, one can just swim, one can’t. My ears seem to have been tuned into hideous reminders of terrible people and tragic events. Tia Sharp should have been safe in her grandmothers home, but she wasn’t. Poor little four year Dylan who slipped from a jetty to be instantly washed away from his parents and out to sea. Ian Brady and Myra Hindley’s evil past not far from here have returned to the headlines. The revolting attack on a 14yo boy in toilets Manchester on a Saturday afternoon is beyond sickening, Lil H will have to be catheterised when he becomes too old to come into the ladies with me, I can’t bear to think of that time.
Lil H was two weeks old when Madeleine McCann was abducted. Cradling my first newborn child, this was the first time I’d consumed the news of a child crime as a parent. The reality of a parents worst nightmare hit me like a train whereas before, child free, events like the death of James Bulger were shocking but I just didn’t feel them in the same way at all as I do now as a parent. Now they make me sob uncontrollably at the mere thought that anything like these terrible events happen to anyone let alone my own children. They make me want to hunker down in my home with decades of supplies and keep my precious people safe. My heart aches for the parents, how on earth do they cope and continue to live, contain their anger, fight for justice, hope for news?
As I pack our bags and set off to create happy, sunny childhood memories I will shift these thoughts and stories to the back of my mind. I wish they didn’t exist at all but they do. I will play tea parties with Diva G by the pool, the children’s pool water paintings will evaporates from the hot slabs, Lil H will bounce high on the trampolines and whizz past me on the 1 Euro go karts. All the while I shall be behind my sunglasses scanning the surrounding for psychopaths and pedophiles. Right now in the dead of night our week away is feeling like an endurance test worthy of a CSI episode. I think I need join the Women’s Institute or take up baking or gardening. My garden would benefit greatly!
So this post confirms what I’ve always known and you may have suspected. I am a nutcase. Instead of filling my bags with useful things like suncream & swimsuits I’m filling my head with remote risks and terrors. Why do I do this to myself? Perhaps it’s some subconscious self-coaching in preparation from being solo, by a pool in a foreign country, whatever the reasons I wish it would stop. I need to pack. I needed those three hours sleep! Anyone else mentally torture themselves like this? I’m feeling a lot tired and a lot terrified! Claire x
Category: Uncategorized 12 comments »
August 25th, 2012 at 6:01 am
This is so spooky. I’ve been having trouble sleeping the past two nights with many of the same fears. Mostly about the accidents, that poor boy on the jetty and the little girl and her Grandad in Portugal (I think)
I know they’re crazy thoughts but once they get in there sleep is just gone. It’s just so horrible to even think what losing a child must be like, but I guess we can’t protect from everything and in reality these things are unusual or they wouldn’t make the news.
August 25th, 2012 at 6:14 am
Aw yes, the 5 year old girl and grandad in Portugal, all so sad but you’re right they are the isolated cases of millions of happy family holidays. Sleep abandons me when these thought creep in
reassuring to hear I’m not alone awake at night x
August 25th, 2012 at 6:50 am
I absolutely 100% understand & relate to this post. My first born was also at the time of poor Madeline McCanns disappearance and it deeply changed the kind of mummy I am. I live my life on the very same knife edge & it feels like my ability to stop my fears for their safety controlling our lives is the measure of my sanity.
If learning from past tragedies / hazards creates this dark world in my head I think it’s a very small price to pay to keep my two vulnerable, oblivious and carefree girls safe, happy & unaffected by the real world while they can be. Let them have the fun & I’ll quietly do the worrying with a big smile face!
Have a wonderful holiday – everything looks better with a little bit of sunshine thrown into the mix
xx
August 25th, 2012 at 7:19 am
This is not madness it’s just your amazing love for your children!! Every mum feels like this! In Spain I slept in with one child and my husband with the other! He was most upset but I could sleep!
August 25th, 2012 at 8:48 am
You are most certainly not alone. Evan was also born around the time of Madeline McCann’s disappearance and when I found out that we had to go to a wedding in Portugal when she was 15 months old I was totally and irrationally freaked out. So much so that I bought an alarm to put on her during the night when we were asleep, even though she was in the cot next to us in our 5* hotel room. It cost a £100 and I didn’t tell Jim I’d bought it cos I knew it was ridiculous. I didn’t end up using it and told him on the plane home that I had it but having it before we left for holiday stopped me going into complete panic mode. I still never let her out of my sight and I don’t like the Jim is less concerned with that (he managed to lose her on the sand dunes at Camber Sands recently but luckilly our 5yo appears more savvy than her dad and although in her words she was sad that she was lost she sensibly took her time and managed to find her way back to me). I’m so grateful I didn’t know she was lost. xxxx
August 25th, 2012 at 8:53 am
Totally normal…but is sad it can somewhat take away a piece of the excitement. My hubbie wants to go abroad next year, but we will have a newborn too, plus a 2 and 4 year old. We had a lovely 2 week holiday this year and the kids had an amazing time, and so did we. Although stressful when little one year old was awake and falling down marble steps (on dad’s watch), then losing our daughter for 10 mins one evening (on dad’s watch) which felt like an eternity…you have all those events flash before you in that short space of time and it is AWFUL. I wanted to come back home that night on the plane, soooo angry at my husband for not watching her whilst i was getting little one to sleep…angry with me that i couldnt watch them both myself…angry with the people that took madeleine, james bulger that we now as parents are petrified when we should be able to relax. But do you know what, we should not be defeated! All we can do is teach our children to stay safe and pray that in our lives we have angels up above protecting them and they will come to no harm. Enjoy our summer holidays and make them precious days to remember….those are our happy memories and nobody is going to take them. Yes, i’m being deep, but i’m allowed. I’m pregnant and hormonal
August 25th, 2012 at 9:14 am
I can also related to everything said in your post Claire.
Anxiety and I have been constant pals since E’s birth in August 2007. Even a stroll to the park to feed the ducks could turn into a ‘what if the pushchair rolls into the lake’. An angel monitor underneath our newborn’s mattress was an absolute must and meant that when I did snatch a few hours sleep they were sound ones free from the crippling anxiety.
On a recent holiday to Corfu, I triple checked the shutters and windows were locked in E’s room. I read a statistic recently that stranger danger is no worse now that it was in the 70′s, it’s just the perception that’s worse due to all the different media channels we have at our disposal.
I’ve recently started allowing E to play out at the front of our house with the other 12 children that reside on our road. The rules are aplenty and I’m blessed to have a child that’s a conformist, who’s the opposite of a daredevil. For the first few months I sat in the window and watched her every move. I feel somewhat more relaxed now and it gives me great pleasure that my child is experiencing a similar outdoors upbringing that I was fortuntue enough to enjoy. There’s a great network of parents on the street and it’s of great comfort to know that they are all keeping a careful eye over all our offspring.
Unfortunately I do think for the majority of parents anxiety to some degree comes with the territory and I for one have to fight hard to stop my brain working over time. I try to banish the thoughts as soon as they pop into my head. Not easy, but I recognise that if I let my head run away with me our family life would suffer and we’d all be much worse off.
Have a wondeful safe trip x
August 25th, 2012 at 9:20 am
You are not alone, Im constantly scanning for danger and pre empting any potential disasters. The Madeline Macann incident particularly chills me and when we are away anywhere (abroad or home) I position our suitcase in front of the room door to trip up any potential intruder and will sleep with our 3 year old inbetween myself and husband. Im that paranoid someone would try to abduct her while we are asleep. Hubby thinks Im insane but it gives me peace of mind so I don’t care. See, Im the nutcase, not you!!
August 25th, 2012 at 7:56 pm
The unexpected consequence of being a mum – having been carefree and fearless – it comes as a shock to be absolutely responsible for 2 other lives – who are so special to you and whom you love more than life. It can be overwhelming at times – especially if you have been fearless in the past. Deep breath and hold them tight – you will not stop the worrying but you can enjoy every single moment of a wonderful holiday to come. big hug to a special mum xxx
August 25th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
You are so totally not alone. But you will enjoy Cala d’Or: we went there two years in a row. And everything will be fine. Why? Because you are this worried. xxx
September 6th, 2012 at 10:44 am
Having children totally changes your view on the world, I had my first when Milly Dowler went missing and my second when Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman were taken!! Hideous but as you are so aware of these risks you will arm your children to protect themselves!! I have just started tO let my 10year old walk to school, it terrifies me but already I can see he is growing up!! Roots and Wings time!! Hope you had a fabulous holiday!!
October 1st, 2012 at 10:32 pm
I’m the proud Dad of an 11 month old perfect boy
Recently the terrible events of James Bulger’s murder came up in conversation and for the first time I appreciate the true horror of it: I’ve had trouble sleeping, playing that poor baby’s last moments over in my head. I think I finally know the hurt I am open to in being a parent. But now, realising this I cherish and grab every moment with him and my partner, and I am on full alert to my surroundings just like you.
Thanks for sharing, I think we’re normal loving parents!